My weight has been something that I have struggled with my entire life. From the time I was old enough to comprehend that I wasn’t “like” other girls, that I was larger than most girls my age, I have struggled. Not just physically, but mentally.
I’ve endured every kind of abuse possible because of my weight. I’ve been called names (none of which I wish to repeat), I’ve had food thrown at me, I’ve had people threaten to “cut the fat” off of me, among other things. Even before I began to dress darker, I’ve had this continuous spew of hatred thrown my way. I could never understand, especially when I was younger and I still don’t really, why and how people can be so full of anger and hatred towards someone else for something so stupid. Why is it, just because I’m thicker in my middle, you can vomit all of this hatred at me for no other reason than I am thicker? And how do you comfort someone who’s experiencing that kind of hatred? You can’t. Not really. All of the counsellors, all of my friends, my family… everyone said the same thing. “Don’t let it get to you, those people are insecure and this is only a small part of your life.”
When someone comes up to you, calls you a “fat fuck” and informs you that you shouldn’t be allowed to attend the same school… how can you not let that get to you? And yes… it is a short window of time in life, but that pain, that disease… follows you for the rest of your life. Every time I look in the mirror, I can still hear my sister, telling me I’m not worth shit because I can’t fit into the same clothes she can. It messes with my head.
No one can really be as cruel to you as you can be to yourself though, right? There hasn’t been a single person who’s hated me more than I’ve hated myself. Constant blame, constant belittling. Questions all the time, like how the hell could I have let myself go like this? How the hell could that extra piece of pizza been worth it? The mantra of “nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” I fucking hate that expression, but everytime I open my fridge, or put that extra shot of creamer into my coffee, it pops into my brain and I hate myself for it.
I’ve tried taking a “healthy” approach to this. It’s not about being skinny anymore. I honestly don’t care about that. Maybe in high school I did, but not anymore. I’m 25, for Pan’s sake. I don’t care about the Seventeen magazine, Cosmopolitan view of what femininity is and to be honest… I realize now that back then, the only reason I did care, was because I believed that I should. I was told, by peers, that I should. And I don’t. I really, really don’t. For me… I want to lose the weight because at this point in my life, I have to. I have Emilie now. Not only do I want to be a good model for her, I want to be here for her. Here, as in alive. I can feel my body changing because of the weight I’ve gained. My joints are beginning to protest, my thyroid feels different and the depression is getting worse. I’m lethargic, and getting more apathetic by the day. Not to mention, my clothing options are beginning to deplete. The oversize t-shirt, baggy sweatpants look is not one I wish to model.
I’ve made post upon post about this before, and people that have read my blog are probably getting tired of hearing this from me, but I need to do this. Now that I no longer have a room mate determined to sabotage my efforts and it’s just me, myself and I, I think I can. I know I can.
This time, however… I’m making an appointment on Monday to talk to my doctor about my candidacy for bariatric surgery (otherwise known as gastric bypass), and what my options are for weight loss surgery. It’s a big step, one that I haven’t considered before, but I believe that it could make the difference. I don’t view this as a fix-all, obviously I do have some body image issues, but the cycle needs to stop somewhere and I think that this could be an excellent way to put a stopper in a problem that could end up killing me. Heart disease and diabetes run in my family, and I don’t want to be another statistic. I want to be around for my daughter’s life.
If I don’t qualify… well, I’ll go from there, I suppose. I still plan on converting to a vegan diet and adopting the lifestyle (where I can). I’ve been wanting to do the vegan thing for such a long time now… I’m hoping that this time next year I’ll be able to pull it off.
I’ll keep you guys updated.